My sheets look like a crime scene.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
