And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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