i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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