the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
