True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
