I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
