Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
