I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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