My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
