If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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