Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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