I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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