If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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