and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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