When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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