goodnight i made you a song goodbye
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
