Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
