The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
