the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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