i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
