the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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