Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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