the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
