Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
