can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
