The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
