life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
