Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Randomize
