I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
