fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
