my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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