JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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