Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
