Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
