Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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