I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
