Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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