my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
