We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
