I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
