At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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