I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
