Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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