Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
