I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
