Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
