believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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