There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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