Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
