I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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